It’s cold and nippy here at school; the trees have no color, the grass has lost it’s green, and the pavement is salted and cracking, dull and grey. The exhaustion of walking to class, of getting onward is like two weights on either side of my smile, pulling down. But the sky is blue, and the rooms are warm, and my bed is cozy, so I have to believe that all will be okay. It’s been a rough couple of days, weeks, months really. I have so much to love, cherish, and look forward to, but sometimes all of that focus, the energy in a million different places is downright exhausting. I look around my room, finding little images, words, and thoughts that I’ve put up for inspiration and a little jolt of love, yet sometimes it’s hard to accept their help. I’ve just felt pretty defeated within my school, my love life, and myself. Rather than exhilarated, I feel like I just run through the motions. And it’s hard work running through the motions. How do people do it, day after day, year after year? I want to live and breathe, running down the sidewalk in my underwear, screaming at the top of my lungs (this is a vision for summer… not the polar vortex). Right now, if I were to do that, I’m not sure I would be in the moment.

Does that say something about who I am? Is there something that can be done? Or is it all on my shoulders? They say to discover the love, light, and strength within before you ask anyone else, but what if you just want someone. I’d like to mail order a companion that disappears when I want to be alone and reappears when I’m lonely. Can I get that?